FR half 2017

I ended up running the FR half last saturday, kind of on a whim! Last tuesday I took the GRE, which i was woefully unprepared to take. I had intended to spend the summer brushing up on math, and never really got around to it. So in the back of my mind, I told myself that I would take the GRE, and immediately cancel the results, and use the experience as a test run for the real thing. The night before I took two tylenol PM, got a great night's sleep, and woke up ready to go. Joshua and Jonah drove in with me, and hung out in the area while I took the exam. I felt great while testing, very calm, no rush of adrenalin or anxiety. As it turns out, I'm pretty sure the two tylenol PM's were making me quite groggy, which kept from from completely panicking or having any test day anxiety. I decided to keep the scores.. still haven't received the official score, but my qualitative and quantitative results were much, much higher than I expected.

After doing so much better on the GRE than I had predicted, I kind of had a breakthrough.  I constantly under estimate myself in pretty much every area of my life.  I'm always surprised when I do well in school, even when other's are not.  I sell myself short, even if I'm the only one buying it.  So, as the days of that week ticked by, I decided that maybe I've been selling myself short as a runner as well.

Although my mileage has been meager at best (not one week with over 15 miles... I think my highest mileage week was 12), I started to wonder if I could run a half marathon.  I had run 6 miles outside in crazy humidity,  and the weather report was looking perfect for race day. Plus, I had already paid for a half marathon earlier in the year when I had registered, and I wasn't looking forward to having to drop down to the 10K while at the race expo.  I went back and forth on this decision over those few days.  Thursday I was convinced that running the half would be a terrible idea, that i was definitely going to get a stress fracture or overuse a muscle.  My left calf has been causing me problems all summer, and my right achilles tendon has been acting up a lot as well.  I told Joshua that i was definitely not going to do it, and that I was just having a bad case of FOMO and taper week crazies.  I took another two tylenol and had a glass of wine and went to bed.

Friday morning, I called him on the way to shepherdstown and asked him if he was ok if I ran the half marathon anyway.  He sighed, and said he was fine with it as long as I thought I could do it safely.  I kind of lied and said I thought I could.  I figured there was a low chance of serious injury, and that if things went south I could walk the second half of the race.  I could obviously run the first 6 or 7 miles, and speed walk the rest.  There was no time constraint to worry about, as many people walk the race.  So I went to the race expo the minute it opened, and grabbed my shirt and bib in sort of a blind panic.

Between the wine and the meds, I was out of it all day.  Being that groggy forced me to sit all day, mostly at jaynes house while the kids played.  When I told Caroline that I was going to go ahead and run the half, she looked a little surprised, although I had hinted at it a few times in the weeks prior. She asked me why I was doing that to myself.  I told her that a 10k race is the worst distance to run; a 5k is all anaerobic, but its over in like 25 minutes.  A 10K race is mostly anaerobic, but requires more endurance and takes about an hour.  For me, running a longer race is way easier, and much more fun. You never hit that anaerobic state, and i'm pretty comfortable running through pain. Plus, I qualified, I'll obviously walk a lot of it.  I'm not sure she believed my reasoning, and I definitely didn't believe myself.

The real reason I ran the half marathon was because I knew I could. I KNEW I could run those 13.1 miles and not get hurt.  It was just hard to own up to that level of confidence.  I was ridiculously under prepared.  I'm talking one five mile run and one six mile run all summer.  After not running for 5 years.  How could I tell someone that I knew I could run 13 miles without trying?  That's just a level of confidence (and stupidity) that I wasn't going to own up to.

It wasn't until I got home and the tylenol from the night before wore off, that I really began to panic. I had already ordered a new pair of running shoes, thinking that the majority of my aches were due to my old, rundown trainers.  The new shoes were a pair of Altra's.. and honestly I don't even remember which line it was.  I tried them on and instantly knew that they would work for me.  Wide toe box, zero drop, more cushion than my old pain, but were still flexible.  The heels were a little high in the back, so I decided to wear my compression socks, thinking it might also help with my tight left half.  I also bought a new pair of long compression shorts, to avoid any chaffing. I pulled out my old camelback, that I had only run in one time this summer, and started to pack.  At 8pm I made a pre race checklist, and started to panic. WHAAAAAT was I about to do.  I knew I would be out there for about 3 hours, and I hadn't practiced nutrition on a run since 2011.  I did what I knew worked - One Nuun diluted in the camelback, candy instead of standard runners fuel.  Threw a tiny bag of pretzels and a laura bar in the pack in case I craved real food at some point. Also packed a few honey stinger waffles in case that sounded appetizing.  Charged my garmin.  Tweezed my eyebrows. Made a playlist that was 4 hours long.  Cleared up space on my phone for taking pics and videos while running.  Also.. obviously sipping water all day long. I cannot emphasize enough how well I hydrated myself that day.  I knew the odds were stacked against me, so I didn't want to make any mistakes over things that I could still control.  I had a slice of pizza for dinner, and had had a slice of pizza for lunch as well. I climbed into bed (the futon in Jonah's room that night) around 11.. finally drifting off into a very light sleep around 1:30.  I was terrified. I was certain I was about to make a horrible mistake.  I wasn't a runner, I haven't been a runner in years, I don't even look like a runner.  My race day outfit (although comfortable) made me look like some out of shape cyclist.  I forced these negative thoughts out of my mind and practiced meditating. I woke up about every 15 minutes until 2:30, until my alarm woke me up at 5:30 to start prepping.

I woke up terrified but pretty calm.  Adrenalin was just not kicking in.  I made coffee, and got my gear together.  We woke jonah up around 6, and left the house at 6:30.  We stopped at a gas station to get some hazelnut coffee and last minute candy for me to use on my run. I put on my race playlist and tried to get excited... but it just wasn't happening.  There were not prerace jitters.. just a quiet calmness.  I accepted that the morning was going to bring a lot of pain, and that I was going to do it anyway.

We got to shepherdstown around 7:30 and parked by the church.  We milled around, stopping to use the portapottys about three times as we waited for the race to start.  It was pretty chilly, in the 40s.  High of the day was about 68, and mostly overcast.  People were saying it was going to be the best weather of any of the 9 Freedom Runs.

When it was time to line up, I put myself in the very, very back of the pack.  It took a good minute to cross the start line, and I missed Joshua and Jonah who were standing to the side to cheer me on.  It's probably good that I didn't see them - apparently jonah was crying pretty hard.  I think it would have put me in a negative head space.

As I started running, I told myself to run slowly at the beginning, and that the race wouldn't start until Miller's Sawmill, the first big incline at about mile 3.  The canal portion of the race was my least favorite.  I still felt sleepy and out of it... I think I was in a bit of shock at what I was doing. I tried to stick to about a 12 minute per mile pace, which honestly still felt hard on my heavy legs, although it was easy to stop paying attention and run faster.

I started chatting with the people around me, and I was glad that I had made the decision to hold off on listening to music. I told myself that I could pull out my phone halfway through the race when I started walking.  It was great, and the first time that I've raced and talked to the people around me.  As I was chatting with one woman about the 1.2 mile long incline approaching us, I mentioned that I had only trained for a 10K, and one ran on hills once.  She laughed and told me I must still be in my 20s.  I replied that I was, but that running a hilly half marathon was still going to be an easier morning that dealing with my three year old and his tantrums!  When we approached MS, the woman dropped me as I slowed to a walk.  This is it, I thought, this is when the race starts.  I speed hiked the steepest parts of that hill, and ran what I could. I had built up Miller's sawmill to be this insane and never ending hill... and I was shocked when I saw that we were crossing into Antietam.  I felt amazing! Last time I was feeling like death by this stage in the race.  Maybe there was a reason the race director kept telling everyone to walk early and often..

That was about the time I busted into the candy corn and gummy bears.  I told myself to not be ashamed of also eating early and often, that I was going to be out on this course for a long time and that I would need fuel.  Last race I think I only took in about a half of one GU, and that one of the reasons I struggled so much on the second half of the course.  I continued to sip on my camelback when my mouth felt dry, but I refused to take big gulps, even when I wanted to.  Over hydration can be a problem in slow runners, and I knew I was probably more at risk for that than dehydration.

Running through Antietam was my absolute favorite part of the course.  I killed it on the downhills, usually running them at around a 9 minute mile or faster.  I knew that my legs could handle it.  I walked the steep uphills as fast as a could, running them when my heart and lungs would let me.  But I never pushed it.  I never felt ashamed to walk.  Honestly I just was surprised that I was out there.  In my mind, the race had five sections.  The first was shepherdstown and the canal, the second was millers sawmill, the third and fourth the two portions of Antietam split by 35, and the fifth was the four mile run through sharpsburg and into shepherdstown.  I knew that no portion was easy.

I was absolutely shocked when I saw 35.. I was over halfway through and I hadn't stopped.. at all! I had been walking, but walking fast, and never for longer than a minute or two.  The second half of antietam flew by.  I kept waiting for something to happen.  For my hip flexors to seize up.  For my calf muscle to rip in half, for my achilles to tear or my plantar fascieties to rear its ugly head.  Nothing.  I felt great.  My feet felt a little numb, like maybe I didn't have the greatest circulation, but it was only noticeable if I was really focusing on it.  I brushed it away and never thought about it again.  It was about this time that I realized I could actually PR if I wanted to.  I could kick it into gear, suffer a bit, and run it faster than I had 6 years and 35 pounds ago.  But I didn't want to.  That wasn't my goal.  My goal was to run the race without getting hurt.

As I exited sharpsburg I pulled out my phone and texted joshua.  "3.1 left. Not dead yet".  I neglected to tell him how fast I was running.  As it turns out, he hadn't realized I was kidding earlier than day when I said that it would take me an hour to get from sharpsburg to shepherdstown.  I wanted to run fast.  Not yet.. I told myself. Not yet.  A lot can happen in three miles.  When I hit 11 miles I picked it up.  I couldn't help it.  My body knew I was capable of running a bit faster, but I still didn't want to push it.  I never hit that anaerobic feeling.  At some point i passed that woman from the start of the race, the one who dusted me at Millers.  "We're almost there!" I told told her, as I ran by, passing more and more people.

I thought the bridge into shepherdstown would slow me down.. but it didn't.  Not even a little bit.  Why did I used to think that bridge was a hill? I didn't even notice an incline. I could have run forever. There was a hill, from 35 up to the school.  It was short but very steep, and I sprinted up that as fast as I could. First time my lungs were angry at me! As I ran into the stadium, I passed Joshua and Jonah.  "Go Mommy!! Yay Mommy!!" I started to feel tears pricking at my eyes, but mostly I was just excited to see my boys. As I crossed the finish line, I nearly walked passed the people passing out medals and water bottles. Jonah gave me the biggest hug and kiss and asked me if I had won the piston cup.

Its been a few days and I am still sore. However... I cannot believe how well that race went.  I ran it in about 2 hours and 30 minutes, 2 hours and 29 if you trust my garmin.  I could have PR'd if I that had been my goal, but it wasn't, and its still not.  I don't care about running fast.  I freaking love running long. I could have run all day.  Those were my first words to joshua when I crossed the finish line.. "I could have run the whole thing."